Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

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Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray offering many suggestions for improving husband-wife relationships by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender.

The book, as suggested by the title, asserts the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other planets. Gray adopts this metaphor as the central theme of all his books and seminars, likening men and women to the classical Roman god Mars and goddess Venus as ideal types.

In contrast to some psychologists (and feminists) who emphasize similarities between the sexes, Gray writes almost exclusively about differences. Gray says that his "Martians" and "Venusians" are only stereotypes and cannot be applied blindly to individuals.

An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.

Point system

Gray suggests that while a man might count a $200 present as 20 points and a $10 item as 1 point, women count each item as 1 point. The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks he has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.

The cave and the wave

Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or craft room.

On the other hand, he believes that women want to discuss problems when they occur. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman constantly tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

As one reviewer put it:

When men go into their cave, they are actually going through a phase of their relationship with a woman, when they want to be left alone. Any woman who has wondered why a boyfriend is not emailing/calling/messaging/meeting her will know what it feels like to be shut out of the cave. Women and 'the wave' is a concept [which] means that women go through periodic phases when they are unable to keep up their spirits without help and assistance from understanding men. At such times, 'the wave' crashes, and it needs to be given love and reassurance to rise up again with its usual confidence. [3]

Critical response

Some researchers agree with Gray's ideas about male-female communications differences. Deborah Tannen's studies of male/female communication find that "for women, talk creates intimacy... But men live in a hierarchical world, where talk maintains independence and status." ^[1]. However, other studies do not find such differences. Erina MacGeorge found only a 2 percent difference between communication styles and argues that "when it comes to comforting, the Mars-Venus concept is not only wrong, but harmful. For the most part, men and women use, and strongly prefer, the same ways of comforting others – listening, sympathizing and giving thoughtful advice."^[2]

Some feminists have criticized the book for being misogynistic and patronizing ^[3] When discussing relations with the opposite sex, one often hears the complaint, "It's like she's from another planet!", while others accuse it of being written as a 'self-improvement' book for women, blatantly suggesting that women should adapt to men's ways of communicating, rather than both genders co-operating. Susan Hamson's web site "The Rebuttal From Uranus" says:

"Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes"

Hamson objects to the lack of reference and details about the research Gray claims to have made, as well as to two central points which she feels Gray makes in his book:

• "that men fulfill active roles and are seen as ambitious and powerful. Women, however, satisfy passive roles"; and,
• "although the author may grudgingly admit that women are cognizant human beings, they must necessarily take a back seat to the dominant male in their lives in order to routinely accommodate his wants and desires." ^[4]

Questionable educational background of author

The quality of Gray's PhD status is by some reports, dubious at best, and fraudulent at worst. The educational organization from which Gray purports to have earned a PhD is an unaccredited "paper mill for doctorates" known as Columbia Pacific University^{[5] [6]}, suggesting that his formal education in any area related to his book's subject is essentially nonexistent.

In 1995, Newsweek reported that Gray had spent nine years as a celibate monk and secretary to New Age cult leader Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. In 1997, Time magazine revealed that Gray earned B.A. and M.A. in the "Science of Creative Intelligence" from the Maharishi European Research University in Switzerland, a field of study created by the Yogi himself, purported to be the "scientific theory for the development of higher states of consciousness, which naturally develop through the practice of Trascendental Meditation." Neither the school nor the degree field is accredited.